For over two weeks now, I’ve been languishing in a sort of writer’s purgatory as I wrestled with the mixed blessing of  many ideas, but  very little energy or brain power to sort through the possibilities.  Much of my mental fog could be attributed to a nasty respiratory virus, but I was also frustrated by a series of hassles that chewed up countless hours of my time and sapped my flagging energy before I could even sit down to write.  The few attempts that I made to develop an idea mostly resulted in an egegious waste of good words, and I vacilated between discouragement and encouragement as I tried to talk myself through a series of rough days.  I tried a lot of strategies to keep myself pointed in some positive direction, and to my credit, I did manage to stick with my Gratitude Practice most days.  But living more fully in the “Present Moment” can be a mixed blessing in and of itself since ”waking up” to the fullness of each moment means engagement with all that it entails–and that means living with the “good, bad, and the ugly”.  We can choose to hit a mental “Delete” button and temporarily wipe the unpleasant parts of Life from our immediate awareness.  But creating a seamless  illusion of positive is ultimately the antithesis of living in the Present.  Like it or not, there are moments in Life that, to use the popular and very applicable venacular, simply “suck”.  But acknowledgement of what hurts, frustrates, or disturbs should not be confused with setting up housekeeping with Negative as your Life Partner.  To do so obscures the blessings that are tucked into the worst of days.

In the early days of my Gratitude experiment I was reluctant to do anything that might work at cross purposes with my efforts  to recognize and appreciate the positive to be found in each moment of every day.   And in retrospect, I still believe this single minded effort was the best way to systematically launch my efforts to live more fully in the Present Moment.  But after struggling through several long, frustrating weeks suffused with much painful challenge, I decided that it was time to expand my Gratitude Practice in a way that more fully encompassed the array of experiences that are part of the “Present Moment”.  In choosing a way to accomplish this task, I was guided by several important principles.  First, I wanted to be sure that I engaged Life’s painful moments fully–no minimizing–no glossing over the ugly realities or sugar coating the things I’d rather ignore.  But I also was acutely aware that I wanted to stay solution focused whenever possible.  And as trite as it might sound, I knew that I’d be more likely to accomplish this if I looked for the proverbial “silver lining” in the dark “clouds” that crossed my path.  Napoleon Hill articulated this principle more eloquently in noting that, “Every adversity, every failure and every heartache carries with it the Seed of an equivalent or a greater Benefit.”  With this in mind, I decided to preserve the integrity of my Gratitude List and maintain the habit of adding five new items to my list each day.  This form of daily practice had benefitted me in ways that were still emerging, and I didn’t want to nullify or dilute the power of this daily exercise.  So, I decided to acknowledge Life’s negative moments by separate means. 

Some weeks ago I’d purchased a stack of “half-size” note cards.  Originally, I planned to transfer my Gratitude List to these cards, and then sort them into piles based upon themes.  My enthusiasm for this idea waned when I realized that I already had several hundred items on my list.  The cards sat on my work table awaiting some other application for so long that I’d almost decided to banish them to the uncertain realm of some office supply storage box.  But they were given new life when I decided to use them for my “Life’s Negatives” exercise.  Using “half-size” note cards to detail negative experiences seemed metaphorically appropriate as I still wanted to emphasize the positive in my life, including the very mixed benefits of adversity and challenge.  So what can you put on  the ten lines of a 2 by 2.5 inch card?  Not much, but just enough…I started by listing the negative experience, and like any good psychologist, I then asked myself, “How do you feel about that?”  (OK, that’s the stereotype…I don’t always ask that question, but it works in this case!)  But, in the interest of seeking the “Seed” of benefit, I also challenged myself to find the hidden blessing or potential benefit in this identified moment of adversity.  This was actually easier for me than naming the negative experience in most instances. 

So where has this taken me?  I confess that I’m not totally sure. I guess time and more experience will enlighten me.  But one personal  ”Truth” has emerged–  Being present to painful moments is a lot like singing the Blues; it almost always makes me feel better. 

Having a “blue” moment?  Try out one or more of these links…I think you’ll find them therapeutic.  As always, thanks for stopping in at UpWind.  Let me know what you’re thinking out there…

Feeling like things have hit bottom and gotta get better?  Check this out:  http://youtu.be/-FMhUNSIxks

And here’s a “do not miss” inspirational performance by an extremely young Aretha Franklin:  http://youtu.be/_DBl5gAs6WI

Fire on the Mountain

Since I posted You Can Only Get There From Here, I’ve continued my efforts to daily construct a list of five new items for which I feel gratitude.  The first seven days of this exercise were relatively easy ones in which I often had identified several blessings for my list before I even got up out of my warm bed to start the day.  But Day Eight delivered an array of the inevitable and predictable obstacles that frequently waylay one’s best intentions.   I awoke on a Monday after a very short night of disrupted sleep.  I was fighting a persistent respiratory problem, tired, and feeling less than enthusiastic about waking up.  In short, my brain was mush.  Gratitude was not at the top of the list of things I was experiencing in that very present moment.  I felt grouchy and out of sorts, and I wondered what in the world I’d been thinking when I’d implemented the rule for myself that I couldn’t repeat items on my Gratitude List.  I briefly considered trotting out some “encore presentation” items from the previous week, but ultimately decided that it was too early to give up on the notion of generating a list of new items every day.  Before I dragged myself out of bed, I managed to come up with a few items that weren’t simply uninspiring, they were outright lame.  But they were at least a start.  Like a lot of people, I often do some of my best thinking in the shower, but solitude and hot water did little to dissolve my mental paralysis. Forget anything epiphanous,  I had trouble even remembering the items I’d already identified before rolling out of bed.  I refused to give airtime to the critical inner voice that began to comment on the questionable quality of my mental output.  Even at half speed, I still had enough brain cells clicking to know that rating my performance was a step in the wrong direction.  The point was to engage the present moment as a participant. Unlike certain unnamed caustic television personalities, nobody was going to pay me six figures to step off of life’s stage and instead spend my days shooting verbal spit-wads at anyone with enough guts to engage Life fully, though perhaps imperfectly.  So, I gave myself credit for starting my day’s list, and left for work resolved to keep working on the task, even if it took me the entire day to complete it. 

By the time I headed out the door to work, I felt ready to engage the day, but I still could not get my brain wrapped around the task of expanding my Gratitude List in some meaningful way.  As I pulled into the parking lot at my office, I shrugged off any remaining concerns about my list and shifted into work gear.  After 26 years of private practice as a Clinical Psychologist, I’m accustomed to “hitting the floor running”, and usually sit down with my first client of the day within 10 minutes of arriving at the office.  But on this particular Monday, my first hour of the day was open, and I had the luxury of easing into my week.  While being self-employed has plenty of perks, it also requires a committment to mundane tasks like getting the garbage can to the curb.  Who knows why I chose to start my day with trash, but I dutifully rolled my can to the curb, and then headed to the parking lot to collect the rubbish that a blustery weekend had deposited at my doorstep.  As I bent to the task, I heard a voice calling my name and looked up to find someone from the community that I’d known for years hurrying across the lot. The previous week, my visitor’s mother had died, but my own illness and work committments had prevented me from attending the visitation arranged by the family.  I’d nonetheless spent some time contemplating the passing of this elder in the community whose good humor and genuine interest in others had been in evidence each time I’d met her; and I’d sent an e-mail of condolences and support.  I’d regretted my inability to offer support in person, so the surprise appearance of my visitor was especially welcome.  What followed was a brief, but warm exchange in which she expressed her gratitude for my note, and I was able to offer hugs and words of  support that were especially heartfelt since I’d experienced the loss of my father late in November of 2009.  By the time we parted company, my heart was full of gratitude, and the task of completing my list for the day had been thoroughly jump started. 

Some people would say that this “chance” encounter was mere coincidence;  that she simply happened to be dropping off her car at a garage near my office and was already wondering if I might be around, and I just happened to be doing trash patrol at the same time.  But when my path crosses with someone at precisely the moment when I need a boost from the Universe, I can’t help but believe that something other than chance is afoot.  That particular Monday, I really needed to be reminded that I’m not alone in this World, and to experience the mutual blessing that comes from connecting in a meaningful way with others in both good times and more challenging moments.  In each of the days that followed, I found that this lesson was reinforced in multiple ways.  I was blessed repeatedly by the kindness of others, and experienced many shared moments of  joy and discovery with others.  My son enthusiastically joined me in my daily observation of the sunrise in a week where clear skies prevailed, and the one cloudy day nonetheless presented us with the opportunity to watch a low, wispy cloud bank skim over the Mountain born by a vigorous breeze.  After 24 years of watching winter sunrises, I still find pleasure in the seemingly endless number of ways that the sun makes her appearance, and sharing this with my son added a new, richer dimension to this perenial experience.  Our attention to this daily blessing was uniquely rewarded late in the week when the sun’s brilliant arrival glowed like hot lava streaming from the dormant cone atop Rainer, spilling light in a ribbon of fire down the glacier fields that grace the upper reaches of the moutain.  Once again the Universe offered up a moment of shared beauty.  Fire on The Mountain meant a fire in my heart, as well; a joy that was multiplied many times over as I shared the moment with my son, and later shared my photos with friends,family, and UpWind readers. 

While Life may sometimes impede my ability to note the blessings that appear daily, the experiences of this past week left me feeling more confident that I can count on the Universe, as well as my fellow travelers in this world, to keep nudging me along in a more positive direction.  You don’t have to know you’re Blessed to Be Blessed, but awareness adds an element of joy in both the discovery and experience of Gratitude.  And having some serious Gratitude currency in the bank is an invaluable asset on those days when I feel swamped with challenges…As always, thanks for taking the time to stop in at UpWind Journal.  One footnote to my previous photo-essay, I’ve added a couple of links to short videos about the Nisqually estuary restoration project that I found to be quite fascinating. Blessings to all of you.